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Mar 31, 2015

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Mar 7, 2015

wife driving car to grocery

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession…even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

Men want 3 qualities in wives

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home and devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home and economist in bed.

Advertising secretary wearing tight knit dresses

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Exposing drunk

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, “OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!”

Tree hugging

While walking through the forests a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”
“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.
“You gotta be kiddin’ me.”
“No, would you like to give it a try?”
Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…”
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the hell happened to you?”
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, “Cupcake, this just ain’t gonna be your day…”

Buttoned fly

There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big party, and it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers that had a buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed sewing.
The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.
And so he did. A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all right, but he was terribly beaten up.
“Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over there for the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!”
“Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and that it would just take her a second. So, I sat down and she began sewing on the button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent over to bite off the thread and her husband came in the door.”

Dumbest deaths in history

Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken. One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of “Organic Farming and Gardening” magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the “Dick Cavett Show”, while discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged “I`m going to live to be 100 unless I`m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” was only 72 when he appeared on the “Dick Cavett Show” in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.
Aeschylus: Greek playwright in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling “Complete Book of Running,” which started the 70's jogging craze.
How he died: A heart attack….while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99 percent clogged, another was 80 percent obstructed, and a third was 70 percent Blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death. And finally there's Lully, the 16th-century composer who wrote music for the king of France. While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

Difference between ooh and aah

Q. What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?"
A. About three inches.

Woman showing naked body in garden

A woman's garden was growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wouldn't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she had tried them all.
So she went to her neighbor and asked, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replied, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
It sounded strange, but she was very tired of green tomatoes, so she gave it a try.
The next day her neighbor asked how it had worked.
"So-so," she answered. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

World War III

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that`s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We`re planning World War III”.
And the guy says, “Really? What`s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, “Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

Lady standing at bar

There was this lady standing at a bar and she kept raising her hand to get a drink.
However when she raised her hand a massive amount of armpit hair would show because she didn't shave for years.
Finally after about nine times, the drunk at the end of the bar said to the bartender: "I want to buy that gymnast a drink."
The bartender said "How do you know she is a gymnast?"
And the drunk says "Anyone who can raise her leg that high has got to be a gymnast."

Extreme sexual exhaustion

The teacher gave a writing assignment. He said the only excuss for not turning in the paper would be severe illness.
A student asked "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The teacher thought about it for a minute and responded "No. You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Young lady marrying old man

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

Various stages in girls life

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

Two couples swapping partners

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

Huge guy marrying tiny girl

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.

Magic

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,
“How`d you do that?”
“I could tell you, sir”, the magician answered, “But then I`d have to kill you.”
After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Ok, then… just tell my wife!”

Abusive parrot in plane

In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

best joke i have ever heard

click on the picture for a clear larger view and read it , u will roll on the floor laughing , i'll bet on that .

Emotional needs - very funny

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says “I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
“WHAT!?” says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth 200 dollars each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says “You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, “I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier.”
The husband stops and says, “No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now.” The wife`s face goes blank. “Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, “You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

Tattoo on dick

A man goes to a tattoo artist and says: "I'd like you to tattoo a one-hundred dollar bill onto my dick."
The tattoo artist is surprised: "Well, that could hurt a lot. Why would you want a 100 dollar bill on your dick?"
The man answers, "Three reasons:
I like to watch my money grow
I like to play with my money
And next time my wife wants to blow a-hundred bucks she won't have to leave the house!"

Woman with eight children

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, “Johnnie”.
“Right”, he said, “what about that blond one over there?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Are all your boys called Johnnie?” he asked, “Isn`t that terribly complicated?”
“Not at all”, she said, “it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed.”
“I see. But what if you want only one of them?”
“No problem.” she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.”

The Defendant - court joke

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant. “You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
“That’s correct,” replies the defendant.
“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her.”
“That’s correct,” replies the defendant.
“Then my question to you is,” demands the prosecutor, “why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?”
“It seemed easier,” the defendant says, “than shooting a different man every day!”

Men are just like dogs

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.
Sorry Guys ... I just had to share this one ... hehehe!

actual meaning of lines men use

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

------the new mens thesaurus ......

Not easy being a guy

Pity us men.........
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

Losing temper with people

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people, and insulting them... You have to help me, doc!"
The doctor says, "All right. Well, let's see... Can you begin by telling me about your problem?"
Replies Morris, "I just did, you no good, son-of-a-bitch!"

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Thirsty Drunk

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Champagne."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Joke: Alcohol as substitute for women

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Wife buying expensive imported panties

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

Boy puzzled goes to mother

A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
“Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?”
She told him, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”
“And why is my other sister called Moonchild?”
“Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, “but why are you so curious, Broken Rubber?”

Why are married women heavier than single women

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Ad for Lion tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

what women want in a man

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when...
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
1. Breathing--

How To Shower Like A Man

1 - Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2 - Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3 - Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4 - Get in the shower.
5 - Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6 - Wash your face.
7 - Wash your armpits.
8 - Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9 - Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10 - Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11 - Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12 - Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13 - Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14 - Pee (in the shower).
15 - Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16 - Partially dry off.
17 - Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18 - Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19 - Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20 - Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21 - Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Mother telling daughter about sexual harassment

A mother told her daughter: If someone sexually harass you by touching your top part, you must shout DON'T! and if he does it touching your low part you must shout STOP!''
Next day, the daughter came back crying home and told her mother she was sexually harassed. The mother was so angry and asked her why? What happened my baby?
It was terrible mother sob I was in the elevator when he came in and there were two of us, then he touched my top so I shouted 'DON'T'' the girl cried out.
That is good, the mother commented.
Then he touch my bottom and I shouted again STOP!, the girl said wiping her tears.
What happened then did he try to touch you again?, the concerned mother asked.
He then touched my top and bottom at the same time and I shouted at him DON'T STOP!''

tribal experiment

A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure?"
Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're half-way there," he replied.
"You've grown to 12 inches?!" she said, astonished.
"No ... it's turned black," he answered.

Pay back time for the ladies

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too.
He'll do anything in his power
To show his love to you.

The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poetry from your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you in any way.
Oh, "to hell with this stupid poem,"
"Cause the perfect man is gay!"

Comparing Men and Women at the ATM

Instructions for the guys at ATM :
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
Instructions for the Gals at ATM :
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit "CANCEL"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Twenty years of normal sex life

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

How to be a Man

1. Don't call, ever.
2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."
3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
5. Lie.
6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
9. Lie.
10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"
12. Deny everything. Everything.
13. Don't have a clue.
14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
17. Lie.
18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."
19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.
20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.
23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
26. Lie.
27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.
29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.
31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.
32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.
35. Practice your blank stare.
36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.
38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.
39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
40. Lie.

Chicken and horse at a meadow

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.
A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'No, I think I can stand over the hole'. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, 'grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up'. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Secret of long marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman

Why Marie Corelli never married

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

Guy getting castrated

A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."
"What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that."
"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."
So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.
"Oh, I was circumsized," the man said. jokes
"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"

Married to doctor

I’ve got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: “You need to do something to spice up our love-making”.
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
“Why?” asked her husband. “You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion”, she replied…

Corporate lingo list

Here is a little clarification of corporate lingo.
Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Must be deadline oriented:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtimes required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties will vary:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.
Career-minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please:
We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills a must:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills:
You?ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
I am extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
I am honest, hardworking and dependable:
I pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I am personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I am extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I am adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go:
I’m never at my desk.

Whats the dumbest part on a mans body

Q. What is the dumbest part on a man’s body?
A. The penis. It has a head with no brain, it hangs out with two nuts and it lives around the corner from an asshole!

3 good manners of male penis

3 good manners of male penis:
1) Courteous - It stands before performing.
2) Emotional - It cries during the performance.
3) Polite - It bows down after the performance.

Top ten signs of an Indian in USA

1. She wears a frock, but has a pigtail.
2. He searches for buttermilk in a supermarket.
3. She searches for chilli powder in a supermarket.
4. He talks a lot about the problems of living in India.
5. She talks a lot about the unclean streets of India.
6. He says the Indian politicians are the cause of underdevelopment.
7. She says the Indian bureaucrats are the cause of inaction.
8. He talks about the harassment at the airports in India.
9. She talks about the cheapest air-fares to India.
10. He and she jointly decide to go Macdonalds to eat french fries.

Mallu secretary went for job interview

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY.
When the manager saw the Mallu's colourful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN."
Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu.
So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance. The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."
The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:
I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW......BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number ........Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank you."
The Manager fainted.......

Son calling mom from honeymoon

Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.
Mom: Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thing.
Son: got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

Difference between North Indian and South Indian wives

Wives from North:
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "Walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.
Wives from South:
1. Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras or Anna University .
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk - curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.
11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.
14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it.
16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
17. She is more educated than you.
18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.

Two farmers get new animal

There's two farmers on a farm, and they just got a new animal. One farmers outside, and one is inside. The one outside comes in with a big cup of white liquid. He takes a big drink of it and excitedly says, I just milked the new cow. Then other farmer, with a troubled look on his face says, we didn't get a new cow, we got a new bull!

Old but horny

Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?"
"Oh, yes!" was the reply.
"What do you do about it?" asked the first.
"I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply.
The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

How to satisfy a woman

HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN: caress, excite, cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper, console, worship, respect and love.
HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN: blow job

al gore , bill clinton and bill gates in Heaven

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
“Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left,”
God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then addresses Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”
Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

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Busted

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

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The Wedding Night

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

Ode To Oral Sex

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the Censored he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.

It Pays To Tell The Truth

A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. With that option out, he ventured into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. But, at the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. They had a couple of beers and one thing led to another and they ended up in her apartment.
After they had their fun, he realized it was 3 a.m. and said, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?” The woman found him some, which he proceeded to rub on his hands. Then he went home.
His wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and she was quite upset. “Where the hell have you been?”
The man took a deep breath. “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”
He looked down, and held them out. His wife took one look, and exploded into tears, “You damn liar! You went bowling again!”

Really wishful thinking

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get TEN times what she wishes for.
“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish … I’d like to give birth to TWINS.”

Childhood Diseases

A young couple got married and they had never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty.
Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred. So his wife says, “What happened to you?”
The man says, “When I was young, I had the kneesles.”
He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed. “Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?” inquires the wife.
“When I was a young boy, I had tolio.”
So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, “Don’t tell me. Smallcox, right!?”

Last Request

Father O’Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

“What’s bothering you, dear?” asked Father O’Grady.

“Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news,” replied Mary. “My husband passed away last night.”

“Oh, Mary!” said the good father. “That’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

“Yes…,” Mary replied sheepishly.

“Well?”

“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down the gun!!’”

The Trouser Snake

NAME: “Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile,with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.

When You Are Dating - When You Are Married - differences

Farting is never an issue - You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all times.
He takes you out to have a good time - He brings home a 6 pack and says, “What are you going to drink?”
He holds your hand in public - He flicks your ear in public.
A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad - A King size bed feels like an Army cot.
You are turned on at the sight of him naked - You think to yourself…. “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
You enjoyed foreplay - You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason - He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
You picture the two of you together, growing old - You wonder who will die first.
Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy” - When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
He knows what the “hamper” is - The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
He understands if you “aren’t in the mood” - He says, “It’s your job.”
He understands that you have “male” friends - He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
He likes to “discuss” things - He develops a “blank” stare.
He calls you by name - He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

Male And Female Definitions

Wants and needs
Female-The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship
Male-Food, sex, and beer
Communication
Female-The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner
Male-Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys
Butt
Female-The body part that all clothing manufactures makes “looks bigger”
Male-The organ of mooning and farting
Commitment
Female-A desire to get married and raise a family
Male-Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend
Entertainment
Female-A good movie, concert, play or book
Male-Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges
Flatulence
Female-An embarrassing byproduct of digestion
Male-An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding
Glass Ceiling
Female-The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the top in business
Male-What would really be great since that hot babe works in the office above!
Lesbian
Female-A woman who makes love to other women
Male-A woman who has sex with other women so men can get turned on
Making love
Female-The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male-What men have to call “boinking” to get women to “boink”
Remote control
Female-A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male-A device for scanning through all 99 channel every 2 minutes
Taste
Female-Something you do to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good
Male-Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out
Thingy
Female-Any part under a car’s hood
Male-The strap fastener on a woman’s bra
Vulnerable
Female-Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another
Male-Playing ball without a cup

the men's guide to female english

THE MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead.)
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

the women's guide to male english

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I'd like to have sex with you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin dress and let's go home!

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